By: Marcial Robiou
Ok, so by now everyone knows the political situation in California. For those of you who don’t, we’ll break it down for you in layman’s terms: Their previous governor, Gray Davis, had been doing a worse job in office than a hooker would do in a nunnery. So they called for a special election to recall the governor, which took place on October 7th.
There were approximately 135 candidates, with the obvious like Democratic Lt. Gov. Cruz Bustamante and Senator Tom McClintock, to the ridiculous, like Gary Coleman and Larry Flynt. (Flynt’s slogan? The smut-peddler that cares.) The most famous, of course, was Ah-nuld himself, but everyone who’s anyone was running for the position.
The California gubernatorial recall shines light on Florida’s political arena. Even though Florida’s gubernatorial election is three years from now, damn near everyone has something bad to say about the Bush administration. So if voters are not satisfied, why don’t we have a recall? Just imagine what kind of candidates Florida would attract
Why he should run: There’s no should about this, but the man desperately needs work.
Qualifications: He made some of the most patriotic movies and made stuff go ka-blammo as John Rambo, and he single-handedly pimped Mother Russia when he made Ivan Drago swallow his teeth in a battle royale on Christmas Day. If that’s not enough, he’s Ray freakin Tango!
Running Mate: Carl “Apollo Creed” Weathers
Slogan: “We’re gonna make Florida eat lightning and crap thunder!”
Why he would lose: Remember what happened after the Marlins won the Series? Nothing
Qualifications: He shelled out big bucks and managed to get the Marlins a trophy. THE. MARLINS. Not only that, he also owned the Dolphins, Heat and Panthers, so if anyone should run a disappointing state, why not a man who owned disappointing franchises?
Running Mate: Satan
Slogan: “I’m worth more than Cuba.”
Running Mate: Emilio Estefan
Qualifications: She has an ass-load of Grammy’s (not just the worthless Latin ones), and came back from an almost career-ending bus accident that left her paralyzed. As part of the Miami Sound Machine, she was belting tunes and making radios play Spanish-flavored music while Ricky and Enrique were still in diapers.
Why she could win: Every other candidate could kiss the Hispanic population goodbye; they’re all hers.
Political stance: Open the border even more and let everyone from Cuba in. Wait, doesn’t that happen now?
Why she won’t win: Florida isn’t just made up of Miami. North and Central Florida will slap her down.
Running Mate: Don Shula
Qualifications: He is arguably the best quarterback with the most passing yards, touchdowns and a slew of other records except for, oh yeah, A FRIGGIN’ CHAMPIONSHIP RING.
Political stance: To raise money for medicine to reverse the aging process, so he could play football again and finally win.
Slogan: “I need a ring.”
Qualifications: As Hulk Hogan, he put the WWF on the map, and made the world go crazy with ‘Hulk-mania’ fever.
Running Mate: Randy Savage (Ooooooh, yyyyyeeeeaaaaaahhhh!)
Why he should run: For Christ’s sake, if Jesse Ventura could do it, he could. Unless all the ‘roids he took killed all of his brain cells.
Slogan: “I am a real American!”
PHILIP MICHAEL THOMAS
Running Mate: Don Johnson
Political stance: The war on drugs
Qualifications: As Detective Rico Tubbs on Miami Vice, he busted drug dealers and pimps in the seedy underworld of Miami while he rocked loafers without socks.
Why he would run: Seen him on any TV shows or movies since 1989? He’s in need of work.
Why he would lose: Philip, who?
And the winner of the Florida gubernatorial recall is it’s a tie! Amazingly, no one turned out to vote, and Jeb Bush wins by default! Of course, this was all a joke, but if we had candidates like these, then you could bet your right foot that even young people for once would be interested in the race.