By Marcial Robiou
Oh yes, Thanksgiving, the time when we give thanks (what else would we give smart-ass) to, well, the things we’re thankful for. Usually at the table, the prayer of thanks is the same; thanks to my family and friends and blah blah blah. What about the things we’re thankful for that we don’t acknowledge? Here’s a list of the top 10 things of who or what to thank.
The DOLPHINS for a crappy season
As painful as it is to watch the Dolphins offense try and score for themselves and not for the opposing team’s defense, this season is just what Dolfans need. After the season is finished, the best they can do is 3-13, they’ll get the pick of the litter in the upcoming draft, and this is just the kick in the ass ol’ Wayne needs to get a decent coach. Hey, why not write to Nick Saban, head coach of LSU who led them to a national championship last year and will be available next year? This disastrous year will help the Dolphins revitalize their team, so let’s give thanks to the Fins for playing worse than a Pee-Wee football team. Thanks!
Your significant other’s sexual habits:
The standard thing is, ‘thanks for my boyfriend/girlfriend for being there for me and loving me, and all that mushy stuff. How about you tell your lover, thanks for the time you gave me a dirty sanchez, or the time you performed a hot carl on me? Or better yet, videotape your sexual endeavors (DO A PARIS HILTON) and distribute them among the masses, so they can see how lucky you are to have him/her and have a nice big THANK YOU at the end of the video. Hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?
Not only does he warm our hearts every Mon.-Thurs. with The Daily Show, but recently when he was on Crossfire, he voiced his opinion on how the media dropped the ball and doesn’t dig for the truth like it should. Instead, it merely lobs softball questions to the candidates, plays the same sound-byte and video over and over and calls it a day. Thank you Jon for pointing out what we already know; not to trust the media. Thanks
Boston Red Sox
As a Yankees’ fan, it frustrates me that the Yanks didn’t just sweep them, but at least the series is now a series. At the time of writing this piece, the Sox came back to bring the series to a 3-2 Yanks lead, and however it turns out, I think all sports fans should tip their hats to the Sox for making the ALCS exciting. Where Pedro Martinez will end up next year is another matter, whether he plays for the Sox or his ‘daddy.’
Politically Opinionated Celebrities
Keeping informed with the news is important, and who better to get it from than biased celebrities who really know nothing about them? Thank God for people like Tim Robbins, Jeneane Garofolo and Sean Penn, for without them, how would I know whom to vote for? A non-biased non-partisan credible outlet that informs me of the news can help me in making my mind up for myself you say? No! I need to be told what to think and who to vote for! Thanks guys!
Oh, the long list of what we have to thank him for. Bombing and invading the wrong country, high healthcare premiums, loss of jobs, turning a surplus into the largest deficit we’ve ever had. Without Dubya, who would our schoolchildren look down on? Where would we place our hate? Thanks Dub!
Usually these are long, boring and full of the same lying truths the candidates have been spewing for the past year, but these were different. It’s a wonder the FCC didn’t fine the networks for showing the emperor with no clothes. We need to thank these debates for showing us who Bush truly is. “It’s hard work.” Hey, if your best can’t cut mustard, then step aside.
Some of the reasons for thanking him are listed at number 1 above, but he showed our youngsters what life is really all about; desert your co-workers unexpectedly, screw your responsibilities and go travel the world and smoke a bowl. That is, until you owe millions of dollars and have to plead with the same people you punked to give you another chance. Thanks!
Eh, not really. She should be thrown in an Iraqi prison, if not for her videos, then for not realizing that her 5 minutes of fame where up, oh, a year ago.
Hey, thanks for depicting the last hours of Christ like a Nine Inch Nails video if directed by Tarantino on LSD. What about the outtakes, like when Jesus was on the cross and said, ‘Hey, I can see my hut from here?’ Thanks!