By Nicolás A. Jiménez
Even I have to admit that my predictions have, up until now, been a little far-fetched. This time, though, I know for a fact that my premonitions are nothing short of dead-on accurate. After all, of all the years months, April is the one most sure to start with some form of hilarity or another, given that it always starts with…
April Fools Day
April Fools Day (April 1) always sees a lot of zany antics worldwide. This year, the United States will play the biggest, most ambitious international April Fools Day prank in the holidays history when it pretends to invade Okinawa on the 60th anniversary of the WWII invasion.
Unfortunately, Japanese and American forces will fail to break down vital language barriers and American soldiers shouting of “Just kidding, you guys!” is completely unintelligible to a defending Japanese army, resulting in a very brief, but very serious military confrontation between the two countries.
Thankfully the Japanese will forgive us after we make up for the joke by sending humanitarian aid in the form of sandwiches on…
National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day
April 2nd is the day we celebrate one of the most purely American food items there are: the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. PB&J birthday cakes will become all the rage when celebrities like Dana Carvey and Jeniffer Love Hewitt chow down on all kinds of peanut butter and jelly foods on their April 2nd birthdays.
Overjoyed executives at Smuckers and other producers or peanut butter and jelly will start heavy marketing campaigns for their product to ensure that enthusiasm for their spreads is not short-lived.
The two cartoon “spokes-spreads” they create (Peppy Peanut Butter and Jasper Jelly) will quickly become far more popular and recognizable among children than Spongebob Squarepants and Mickey Mouse combined. High demand for peanut butter and jelly makes for a scarcity of the sandwich ingredients that aggravates the confusion of…
Kick Butts Day
This anti-tobacco days misleading name will have countless elementary school bullies thinking they have a license to kick butt for their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. On April 13th, hospitals and infirmaries will be filled to capacity with victimized little boys and girls who stood up for themselves, not against Big Tobacco, but against peanut butter and jelly sandwich thieves.
Sadly, many of the girls affected by the bullying mishaps nationwide will not be in good enough condition to enjoy…
Take Your Daughter to Work Day
Healthy victims of what will come to be known as “The Peanut Butter Beating” will realize their bravery had been in vain on April 28th, when a Japanese Smuckers factory worker in Orrville, Ohio, takes his daughter to work with him and sabotages the buildings machines, becoming the first of several Japanese father-daughter teams to halt production of peanut butter and jelly, thus saving their families and friends in their home of Japan from having to eat any more of the American post-war relief efforts sandwiches.
The peanut butter and jelly sandwich will never be seen as an ordinary lunch again. Buckle up for April.