By Marcial Robiou
Well, the Oscars are behind us, and since we are a monthly magazine, this is the first time we get to humiliate this years winners. Before they broke your hearts or made you cry, they took part in some of the most god-awful movies that should never have been released. Enjoy!
Paint Your Wagon (0/4 stars)
Yes, Dirty Harry won the Oscar for Best Director again, and deservedly so. But way before he called the shots behind the camera, even before he dared a punk to make his day, his career was in shambles and he did many unspeakable atrocities to cinema. This is the culmination of his desperation, a Western musical (thats right, he freaking sings!) that proved to be a flop this side of Gigli. Not even a drunk Lee Marvin could save this debacle (even Lee Marvin sings!). Made fun of in a past episode of The Simpsons, it is so bad, youll want to burn the tape and then your eyes. But hey, its worth a laugh.
The Next Karate Kid (1/4 stars)
Hilary Swank was terrific in Clints Million Dollar Baby and was the best actress this year, hands down. Making this her 2nd Oscar, her first for Boys Dont Cry, Swank has achieved what few actresses have and will have her place in history. However, she had to pass through what all actors did by making some embarrassing films like this 1994 turd.
Years after America had enough of Daniel-san, Hollywood had a great idea; lets make another chapter in a franchise no one cares about, but this time, make the main character a girl! Yeah. See it, but only for Mr. Miyagi. No one beats the “Mig.”
Note: Has anyone noticed that Swank does extremely well when she plays a man or a mannish role, yet is less than decent in anything else? Hmm.
Every which way but loose (2/4 stars)
If youre wondering why were back with Clint, well, the other winners made bad movies, but not “ha-ha” bad more like, “damn thats nasty,” bad. This 1978 gem is delightfully white-trash and a guilty pleasure, like Desperate Housewives or Fox News.
Clint is a trucker and part-time fist-fighter. With his best pal Clyde, an orangutan he won from a bet, he mills around the San Fernando Valley for cold beer and country music. (Feel free to wave your rebel flags about now.) He falls for a girl who ditches him and he sets off after her, while being chased by bikers. The best part is when he thinks hes kissing her and realizes hes kissing the monkey. Stupid fun.