By Nicolas A. Jimenez
You should know that, despite the old adage that says, “April showers bring May flowers,” May is all about chaos and mayhem, not rain and blossoming. Don’t believe me? Take a look at what’s going to go down this month in…
Major League Baseball
If you thought that the fighting in professional sports was over for the year, you were absolutely wrong. When the New York Yankees visit the Tampa Bay Devil Rays on May 3rd, Yankees outfielder Gary Sheffield will have a beer thrown at him from the front row of the stands at right field.
Riled-up and ready to fight, Sheffield will turn toward the source of the foamy projectile only to find suspended Indiana Pacer Ron Artest, who hasn’t played with his NBA team since the November 19th brawl in Detroit that got him suspended for the rest of the season.
Needless to say, Gary Sheffield will get into a brief physical altercation that ends in a massive stadium-wide brawl. The long press conferences that will follow the brawl will upset Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, and other players since they won’t be able to make it in time to…
James Brown’s birthday party
The hardest-working man in show business won’t have to work hard to attract attention to his 72nd birthday bash– especially not from the police. When local authorities find that there are prostitutes (though Brown will argue with police that they are not prostitutes, but Sex Machines) and illicit drugs inside the Godfather of Soul’s home, they will decide to cut the festivities short by arresting him.
James Brown (who is, of course, completely under the influence) will be very cooperative with police until he catches one of the officers present standing on a plaque that a house guest has carelessly knocked from the wall.
It is then that Brown will definitively end his career by attacking the unfortunate police officer while speaking only in song titles (“Get up Offa Dat Thang!”). Fortunately for the rest of us, Brown’s own security cameras will catch all the action and the footage will be leaked to the public. After hefty legal fees, James will have no money left over to bet on…
The Kentucky Derby
Among the May 7th Kentucky Derby crowd will be the two shortest fuses in professional sports. You guessed it: Ron Artest and Gary Sheffield. The mêlée in Tampa will have given the two athletes the sort of deep camaraderie only fighting at America’s favorite pastime can provide.
The dynamic duo of ass-kickery will go at it again, but this time with horses! That’s right: the WWF-esque names of the horses in the Derby will make for very confusing reports on the brawls:
“Sheffield appears to have been swung at by Sun King! He’s turning around to charge Sun King, but it looks like all hell is breaking loose and Consolidator lunges at Ron Artest…”
Enjoy the Mayhem.
Note: Mothers are advised to stay away from the Kentucky Derby, as that fight isn’t something they ought to get caught in the middle of on the day before Mother’s Day.