A Guy’s Guide to Freshman Year

Apr 12, 2006 by Adam Garfield

 

Don’t you wonder what guys go through Freshman year in college? Do they suffer similar dorm issues as the girls? What really messes them up and how do they cope?

       When I was a little boy my grandma would give me $5 and let me roam free in the candy store, one of the best times for any kid. Once inside, I’d have a wide variety of goodies to choose from jelly beans, gummy bears, chocolates, and jawbreakers. Some I’d love while others, like that black licorice, I’d stay away from. Overdose on the sugar, like on Halloween, and you’ll be feeling sorry. Now, although it’s a little bigger and a lot more crowded, UF is my candy store. This is no tiny vending machine; this is a Costco-sized shop, with a selection of every kind of girl ever created. And in an effort to let you get the most bang for your buck, I’ll break down some of the most popular varieties.

Now, although it’s a little bigger and a lot more crowded, UF is my candy store. This is no tiny vending machine; this is a Costco-sized shop, with a selection of every kind of girl ever created. And in an effort to let you get the most bang for your buck, I’ll break down some of the most popular varieties.

The Sorority Girl. Seen on almost every campus, the sorority girl is a staple of the college girlscape, and is easily distinguished by her designer handbags and oversized sunglasses (oh yea, and the Greek letters on her chest). Guys beware. These girls are high-maintenance and quick to cop an attitude. A lot of them are fine, but it’ll take a lot of searching to find one that won’t drive you crazy after a week.

On the other hand they’re hot and always ready to go out and have a good time. A lot of them are the best looking and hottest dressed on campus, great arm candy if you want to get into a club, party or impress other guys. But be careful about getting with more than one girl from the same sorority, unless it’s at the same time. In that case, go you.

The Innocent Girl. Sometimes you just want a girl who’s more likely to give you a hug than an STD. Sheltered and protected back home, some of the innocent girls will turn into the partying girl, mentioned in the next category, while others will remain true to their roots. It’s going to be harder to make as much progress with them as fast as with the other girls, but it could be worth it. (Lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets?) With some time and effort, they can turn into a good find and that ideal girl-next-door.

     The Drunken Partying Girl.These are my black licorice. Planning their drunkenness like it was a meeting, these girls have a drunken mindset before they’ve had a sip of that flavored Smirnoff. Somehow they’re suddenly out of it after less than a handful of drinks, almost waiting to get taken advantage of by horny guys that can’t rope in a girl when she’s sober. A popular choice for the infamous hit-it-and-quit-it or conceive-it-and-leave-it, these girls have seen more bedrooms than classrooms. Steer clear of them, as even a glance might give you a burning sensation.

The Sporty Girl. Being a tomboy was fine in third grade, but you would think they’d disappear by college. Nope. They’ve got “downs” on the next pick-up game of basketball and are always ready to play wide receiver out on the field. These girls are great if you’re starting a co-ed intramural team, but less than stellar for anything more than that. However, there is a fine line between that tomboyish girl and one that tries to stay in shape. If a girl jogs around campus it’s a definite plus. If she just made a hard tackle on the 25 yard-line, that’s a minus. You want a girl that hits the gym, not the linebacker.

Tall, short, big, small, whatever your head desires, it’s here. And while it might take a bit more than $5 to thoroughly enjoy your selection, it’s well worth it.