A Guy’s Guide to Freshman Year
Don’t you wonder what guys go through Freshman year in college? Do they suffer similar dorm issues as the girls? What really messes them up and how do they cope?
I’m not sure what constitutes the start of a riot, but if it’s a drunken guy climbing a light pole, then it started right around midnight.
It’s an ancient tradition in college sports to riot when one of your school’s teams wins a championship, showing your jubilation by destroying public property and taking part in a giant mosh pit of inebriated college students painted in the beloved colors of your Alma Matter. This is what college sports is all about.
Recently, with players like Joakim Noah and Al Horford dominating the NCAA Championship and bringing the University of Florida its first basketball championship ever, it wasn’t long before I got to experience the thrill of a victory-riot first-hand. So now, as a veteran of the college-victory-riot, I look to share my expertise in sporting celebration with the world.
First, the party starts right away, so make sure you’re watching the game with your best buds. When the buzzer sounds, pop the champagne and get ready to go. While there’s no one specific place for every college where the riot-celebration will begin, you’ll know where to go. Head there quickly, as the sooner you get there the more entertainment you can catch before the police begin to break things up.
Second, there are certain guidelines to commemorative driving. First, keep one of those car markers around and let everyone know who the champs are. Honk your horn, put on your flashers and have your buddies hang out the windows and sunroof (don’t worry, you won’t be heading anywhere fast with all that victory traffic). Blast some winners’ music, like “We Are the Champions,” and park a little ways away to avoid any damage to your car.
When you get there, head right into the middle of the riot. The revelry will usually stretch over a few blocks, so the closer the center you are, the more entertainment there normally is. Heading towards the middle of an oversized mosh pit is a difficult task, but it is where the best partying occurs. You’ll know when you’ve reached a good spot, as the celebration turns into a mixture of parade and Mardi Gras the ultimate mix for a college student.
Next, climb something. Anything. Streetlights, light poles, buildings, the person next to you whatever you can find. From here, not only can you get a better view of that immense, crazy crowd, but you play a bigger role in the celebration starting chants and directing parts of the riot.
Don’t do anything too extreme, as cops line the streets, waiting to arrest anyone that gets too out of hand. On this grand night the police are softer on students than normal, as thousands of inebriated college students coming together on one crowded street small, but cross the line to extreme and there’ll be a pair cuffs with your name on it.
Most importantly, let loose and have a good time. Your school just won a national championship! This could be the last time you’re celebrating one of these for a long time, so savor it. Oh, and watch out for the streakers.